Lost soul

More than a year of having quarantine here in the Philippines makes everyone anxious and worried. We often miss the things we used to do prior this pandemic, and it really sucks knowing that we still have two to three years before everything gets back to normal again. Looking back, I was really doing okay late 2019 to early months of 2020, I even travelled overseas with my family though I was sick that time, I had a great time. I was planning so many things for 2020 because it was my last year being in 20s, then pandemic came and everything went downhill. I started to feel so worried. Fear for my family’s health started to kick in, I started to develop mild anxiety again. Then in the middle of chaos, I lost my uncle. That’s when my body gave in to full blown anxiety and panic attacks. From that moment, everyday I feel anxious, every now and then I feel difficulty in breathing. I wake up feeling shit everyday, I started to feel afraid of falling asleep as I might not wake up the next morning. Every single day I’m battling my anxiety while doing my job and hiding it from my family as if I’m totally fine. Though my family knows I’m having anxiety attacks, they have no idea that I’m having it everyday and its tremendously difficult. My partner is there to support me and encourage me in every possible way he can. My family is there loving me and supporting me, but I don’t know why loneliness is eating my heart. I feel like I am a lost soul, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know who to talk to. I started to question my purpose in life because the way I see it, I don’t have anything to give. I don’t know how to get out of this state, it’s not because I choose not to but because it’s really really REALLY difficult to fight it. I want to be normal again, that’s why I missed those times when I’m still young and free. Watching old videos and hearing old songs that remind me of my childhood make me tear up because I miss to be genuinely happy, that is what I don’t have in my life right now. I started to deactivate my facebook account and started to watch random videos that will make me laugh. I also watch kdramas after kdramas to forget my worries even just for an hour. I started to imagine things that will make me feel at ease even for just a second. People might not understand what I am going through and will never ever feel the difficulties of it, but I’m sure I can win this battle, maybe not now but little by little I know I can get through this. I can’t wait for the time when I am already perfectly fine and I will look back to this trying times and pat my shoulders saying “you did it”

This time I have to be strong.

I am torn between being happy and sad. I want to be happy because I want to be optimistic this year. I want to think positive things and not let bad thoughts ruin my happiness. I am sad because of my health again and again and again. I have cough and colds for almost a month now, I had my first check up last December and The doctor gave me sets of medicines but my cough persisted. I was able to have my second check up last saturday and I had chest x-ray and they found out that I have densities in my lungs, just minimal but I was alarmed because this might ruin my future. The result recommended that it’s better if I will undergo with another x-ray or CT scan to determine further the thing in my lungs. My friend who is working in RITM, suggested that I should go to their hospital to have tests. I am super nervous but at the same time relieved because I know there is something positive in this situation. RITM is known for treating animal bites and infectious diseases thus I trust them more than any hospital. I just hope and pray that I will be healed before the weekend. I am just anxious because I know the doctor will think of the worse things if I come back with cough. I pray everyday whenever I have the chance, while travelling to work, travelling going home, during my break time in the office or even just having my me time in the comfort room. Healthy body is what I want for this year. I want me and my family to be healthy and safe from all harm and sickness. I have a positive outlook for 2018. I just have to keep on praying and praying so that God will give the grace and prayers I am asking. This is just a challenge in my life, I will get through this because I will still finish my MBA on October 2018 and I will get my regularization before the year ends. I know a lot of people will help me pray for our health, all I have to do is to believe.

Shit really happens, and it sucks

     I feel so down, I feel so angry, I want to shout at the top of my lungs because I can't do this anymore. I want to exhale every single madness I have, every ounce of sadness I'm feeling right now. I feel so alone and weak, it feels like I'm alone in this fight, I'm alone and no one really cares to help me. They will just say "you can do this", "you can do that" but they didn't move an inch to help me or just lend me their hand to "try" to help me. Konti na lang sasabog na ko, konting konti na lang hindi ko na kakayanin. No one really knows what I feel, no one really knows because they are not in my shoes, they are not me who is in the middle of this fight surrounded by enemies and no one in my team wants to help me because they just really don't care at all. Inch by inch I am losing myself and I'm afraid of that feeling. If nobody wants to help me get through this, then I'll just distance myself and try to find people who can help and will try to help me to the best that they could. 

Monday madness

I am lost and confused right now. I do not know what should I do or where should I go. No clue is given into why these things are happening to me. I just want to have a better life, a better future not just for me but also for my family. But why does everything seems out of my hand? Why does everytime I'm aiming for something big there is always a reason for me to struggle, to worry, to be depressed? I think it is unfair to me because I am not doing anything wrong, anything that will make other people suffer. Why Am I always suffering? Why Am I always challenged? I am weak, I am not that strong, that is why I do not get why these things happen to me. I am pleading for mercy, I am pleading for help, I am pleading for peace, I am pleading for blessings, I am pleading for miracle..please I am just weak.

Happy new year to everybody!...not for me. 2017why?

It's now officially 2017! Woohoo! Another year to do great things and be a better person. Well I'm happy and excited because I'm confident that this will be a great year for me and my family, we will have more happy events and weekend getaways for sure!

Buuuut I received a very...not bad news, a hurtful news I must say. Well I didn't expect that there's a certain issue going around lately aaand I can't help but be affected. For the record, I am not a materialistic person and I don't demand things from anyone. I can buy stuff and feed myself.

Yeah, men can marry anytime without thinking how old they are, while women's chance to get pregnant decreases while we age and that's my problem. Before, I want to marry at the age of 25 so I can have children while I'm still young but as I age, I got scared of being married. He (and they are too) is one lucky man because he has a girl who's not a nagger for marriage or is it because I don't feel any willingness from him to plan things? Hmm??

I proved that family's love is irreplaceable. My mama and papa are the only persons who love me unconditionally. Whatever I do, wherever I go they are here to guide me and love me. no one will care for me as much as they do.

It just hurts, because my dreams and fantasies all crumbled down. I know I don't deserve this kind of things. This kind of uhmm...I don't know, can't say the right words..I think I deserve to be treated as a queen, not just a princess. I deserve promises that will assure me that forever exist. Sounds cliche but that's the truth.

I should love myself more this time..I should, yeah I should..

No words

I am here again so it means everything inside my heart will burst out any minute. To let out my frustrations and anger i just want to express my thoughts about how disappointing my life right now.

So these past few weeks I made a lot of mistakes at work, I really do not know what is happening to me. Last time I check, I am a person whom my officemates can depend with, someone who is responsible and easy to cope up with work. I am still asking myself what on earth happened to me! As if everyday I am floating and clueless with my surroundings.

Yes, I love my work, I love it because it pays my bills and it provides food in our table but the main concern is, I have to have a drive for me to strive harder. Honestly I am very thankful that I found a company wherein the rules are not so strict and the executives are not snobbish, that is why I am very ashamed to what happened. Feels like I can vanish out of thin air any moment, that is how embarassed I am!

Okay! Time to wake up in this nightmare and get things right, right? I am not a problem employee, I never experienced such huge mistakes, just now. Buuuut! I will cut myself from doing stupid things (hey girl you are out of focus! Can't you see I am using exclamation marks exaggeratedly!!!!!!)

I was supposed to post this last night but well, I fell asleep. Soooo, this would be an early morning something.

Interpersonal Communication

I did not go to work today because I need to take a rest due to minor illness. Well I really enjoyed this day, waking up late, eating whenever I want, watching tv and browsing internet all day long. As a matter of fact I can do this everyday, just spending my time in the room. Often, I find myself comfortable and at peace whenever I am alone doing what I want like reading books, listen to music and even watching videos about cooking and elements outside earth (yes, I do love facts and stories about universe, even aliens too!). I am a shy type person, I can still remember when I was still in my teenage years, I won't talk to a person unless he or she talks to me, sounds arrogant but that is who I am. Actually I became more friendly when I got into college but until now I am still the shy type little girl full of insecurities with lack of self confidence (where can I buy one seriously?). I always think I don't have skills, talents or some extra-ordinary stuff to be proud of, yes I am good at bashing myself. When can I really have the confidence and trust for myself? I really don't know, but good things come for those who wait. I'll just sit back, relax and enjoy whoever I am today! 

This is just a piece of my never ending thoughts.:)