Lost soul

More than a year of having quarantine here in the Philippines makes everyone anxious and worried. We often miss the things we used to do prior this pandemic, and it really sucks knowing that we still have two to three years before everything gets back to normal again. Looking back, I was really doing okay late 2019 to early months of 2020, I even travelled overseas with my family though I was sick that time, I had a great time. I was planning so many things for 2020 because it was my last year being in 20s, then pandemic came and everything went downhill. I started to feel so worried. Fear for my family’s health started to kick in, I started to develop mild anxiety again. Then in the middle of chaos, I lost my uncle. That’s when my body gave in to full blown anxiety and panic attacks. From that moment, everyday I feel anxious, every now and then I feel difficulty in breathing. I wake up feeling shit everyday, I started to feel afraid of falling asleep as I might not wake up the next morning. Every single day I’m battling my anxiety while doing my job and hiding it from my family as if I’m totally fine. Though my family knows I’m having anxiety attacks, they have no idea that I’m having it everyday and its tremendously difficult. My partner is there to support me and encourage me in every possible way he can. My family is there loving me and supporting me, but I don’t know why loneliness is eating my heart. I feel like I am a lost soul, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know who to talk to. I started to question my purpose in life because the way I see it, I don’t have anything to give. I don’t know how to get out of this state, it’s not because I choose not to but because it’s really really REALLY difficult to fight it. I want to be normal again, that’s why I missed those times when I’m still young and free. Watching old videos and hearing old songs that remind me of my childhood make me tear up because I miss to be genuinely happy, that is what I don’t have in my life right now. I started to deactivate my facebook account and started to watch random videos that will make me laugh. I also watch kdramas after kdramas to forget my worries even just for an hour. I started to imagine things that will make me feel at ease even for just a second. People might not understand what I am going through and will never ever feel the difficulties of it, but I’m sure I can win this battle, maybe not now but little by little I know I can get through this. I can’t wait for the time when I am already perfectly fine and I will look back to this trying times and pat my shoulders saying “you did it”